Birthing Wood

I am on the verge of a panic attack, but i am the only adult at home so i am putting up my feet and writing. Hoping the salve kicks in and lubricates the lengthy wedge of wood stuck in my foot. Hoping to reminisce and forget about my current pain.

Why does this always happen to me?

I am trying to utilize the techniques i used for natural childbirth in order to help my body expel the foreign object quickly. But for some reason, i cannot handle needles or blood. I can pop 9 pound babies out but not a splinter (to be fair it is more wedge than splinter and at least 3 inches long)?

Perhaps it is because a baby is exciting and you are not only birthing an object, but love that lasts forever. Or maybe I only did natural childbirth to avoid a long needle in my spine?

The day before we were married was stressful in all the normal ways. But in some abnormal ways as well. Including the 4 inch wedge that jammed into my foot as i walked up the steps of my parents house. I thought my head would explode with pain. I was dying to be sure.

My mom thought i was exaggerating until she saw my foot. We went to the ER and after having 5 people hold me down while i cussed and shouted, the Doctor "successfully" cut it out of my sad foot.

I laid on the table and sobbed, "Did you get it all?" He did.

Well, after a torrential rain storm, i did hobble down the outdoor aisle. We were married.

We were supposed to head out west for a few String Cheese shows and back to our old weekend haunt outside of Phoenix. But our Volkswagen had broke down while Justin was on his way up for the wedding. So instead we rode in the back of a friends' mom's van.

The Verde Hot Springs is a rugged 2 hour struggle down a high desert road. When you descend into the valley, the road takes a sharp turn and the scenery turns lush and green.

The hot springs is about 1 1/2 miles down the river from the campsite, and involves crossing the river and a considerable effort.

I made it fine, but was in quite a bit of pain.

Same to be said of all the dancing at SCI. We danced and danced and danced and danced. But it was hard and my foot hurt.

A month later, we are back in Stl and i am still in pain. I wake up early on Saturday morning unable to fall back asleep. I retrieve a razor, knife, bandage, and tweezers and begin the tedious work of cutting open my foot. After some time, out pops another 2 inches of the wedge that was "removed" at the hospital.

I kept it in my jewelry box for a long time. I wanted to find the Doctor's address and send it to him.

That was the first of many items i would cut or pop out of my skin. The rusty razor is ready and i have soaked my foot...